I finished watching a movie and it’s only 11:49 PM meaning I’ve at least 2 more hours till I start falling asleep. This biological clock is never wrong. I feel sleepy only after midnight. The evening is the time when I get the energy; the motivation and strength to do something. A night person is what I am and people don’t really understand. But how would someone know about me if I don’t tell them anything? There are ways or let’s say there were ways. I knew someone who could smile and make my day. Someone who could make me happy. Life changes with the situation and here I am wondering about her wedding. I don’t think I can make it. As absurd as it sounds, her happiness is my happiness but things have turned other ways. When friends fall in love, tides have no direction. It’s only a disaster.
Exquisite is my very favourite word. There’s such beauty in it. It’s the perfect word to describe her anyway. In times of trouble, there was a shoulder but now I’m staying away from it. Like a few mumbling words from someone could make your day, some could destroy it too. I just never thought it could be the same person. While I know that I might never cross roads with her again, I might want to give it a try. We had similar interest’s but we met by serendipity. A common purpose of misunderstanding for both of us led us to share such glorious moments. There has never been a direction for me. I have always set sail on a direction others wouldn’t with no real purpose but with the motive of being different from the others. I set goals of love, not milestones of education. I fell in love with the world. Caring for those who needed help, but only putting them to their feet. I cannot hold responsible for others life. In doing the wrong things, it might pan out to be the right thing. At this moment a year ago, I was probably on a train travelling the whole day on rail to see her. How at that phase of my life, I thought nothing could go wrong but it did. The search for what you want is never possible. You never know if what you want is what you need. There are things that become clear in time. Many times I’ve gone to the past hoping it could make me feel good as it used to but it wouldn’t matter. Reliving a memory isn’t as pleasant as it’s supposed to because we already know it happened and there’s no element of surprise, only expectations. Memories hurt you the most, especially when they don’t stay the same. A year ago, I wanted her to be on my shoulders, lay down, look up to the night sky and watch the stars. It’s one of those most radiant days where every day I’d wake up to see the one I love. In time, love was lost. The strongest bond sunk like Titanic, trying to hold tight but slowly sinking in time when the one strong ship split in two. Nobody saw it coming, but we all knew it could happen. Misery is the beauty of tragedy. It brings tears and lets you know you had feelings and that at one point you were not as selfish, mean or stone hearted. Our prospectives change with time and we forget that it’s not just me or you but everyone. At time’s we don’t need to go back and say sorry or tell them the reason for doing certain things or accept somebody’s apology. It’s okay to speak in silence and live the life that is exquisite. Maybe someday a new bird will sing or tweet. Maybe there’s another person who you think is bothering you but you realise you like the attention. Sometimes you will call a person disgusting, then you tell you like him, then you love him and say you want to spend the rest of the life that person. It’s only natural to live in the moment. At some point in your life, maybe you will find someone in your own stage. Life doesn’t come with any instruction. Hell with it, life isn’t planned at all.
It is wrong to disappear completely but like a rock being swept by an endless river, someday you might get stuck in a bay and feel like life is not bad with less change. We try hard not to go back to the things that hurt but smile when something recalls the good times. It’s hurtful when a beautiful song gives back horrors of the aftermath. The love was real. It was mysterious and mystique. It made sense and made you lose your senses. At certain points, we shared the moment but there will come days when you become an outcast on her birthday. The people around you cannot always be the same and those who stay also tend to change. Some are like wine and some just anything else. In this world where an action has a reaction, karma will do good. Fate follows you, but you lead it on. The earth rattles, glasses shatter, we cry to the sound of a woman singing and these were never planned. It’s okay to cry. In both joy and sorrow, it makes you feel better. A life without tears is dull. It’s one of those things I could use to measure happiness in life. When alone, treat yourself by standing up solitary. No dependencies and no expectations will lead you on. When will I fell good as I did a year before? I will never know. I have learned and I have grown. It’s a wonderful world.