I wasn’t always like this. At some point I was a jolly good fellow and I used to read a lot, watched and played football intensely and I had people around me who cared. I don’t know how and when, but so much changed. I became less of myself.
I don’t remember spending too much time alone as much as I do right now. Having a bottle of rum by my side all the time would better reflect what I feel like right now. I’m always lonely in a crowd and I get lost in thoughts so easily. These thoughts aren’t those creative ones anymore. It’s more of those what am I doing in life kind of things. Somewhere along the way, I gave up on falling in love and it’s been the worst thing that’s occurred to me.
The earthquake was one of the worst thing that could ever happen. I must have become resilient and not in a good way. I used to shed tears so easily. Now I’ve become a stone hearted person. I can listen to sad stories and not cry. I cannot feel as strongly for other people as I used to before. This is not me. This is not the mamas little boy who was soft hearted. Forgetting how to love came to me when I realised that the world was cruel and when I thought there’s no point in regretting. As for me, I’m an emotional person and I am only as good until I have my strong emotional side with me. I grew up too early. I should go back to become the immature child I used to be, because that boy had a big heart.
I tried to hard to change myself, something which I might have needed in the grave circumstances, but I don’t need that anymore. I lost my calm and lost control of myself. I became one of those ordinary men who just went along with life. My life does not have to be this way. I’ve been so heartbroken before and now I don’t want to be in love when I know that love is all I need. When did I stop reading? When did I stop listening to The Beatles? When did I stop watching football? When did I stop gaming? Why did I grow up? Why was life so mean to me? I like someone and I think it’s a disaster because loving someone used to be a lot different before. I used to wish, I used to dream, I had fantasies which I do not have anymore more. Maybe she’s gonna help me change. Maybe.
I always overthought my way into trouble. It’s done me more harm than good at all. I cross my fingers so I can learn to trust my instincts and intuition. I hope I do the right things. I hope I don’t make bigger mistakes. I hope I can realise who I am and learn to live and love again.