Month: May 2016

Whats going on?

I get bored very easily. Is it a good thing? Bad thing? I don’t know.

All of a sudden I’m enjoying the greater responsibilities I’m having in life and getting frustrated at the same time. How I wish these feel good sensations lasted longer but the hormones don’t stick with us for too long. It only takes days for situations to twist and turn. One day I’m so nervous talking to the person and the next time its as if we’ve known each other for years. Its pretty confusing, the state I’m in. Whats going on?

Perhaps life is moving in a fast pace and I’m not being able to capture the little moments. The best things in life come in small packages and I don’t have the time to collect those moments which I could have written in a diary. Remember those times when you made a mistake and you regret for days, yes, that OMG feeling, its gone. I’ve forgotten how to regret and its become so much easier to accept faults. Perhaps this is how people start becoming heartless.

I remember times when I spent hours and days playing computer games and came to no conclusion at all. For the consequences, I had sleepless nights because I was up all night and asleep all day, with no aim or direction of what to do in life. Now with all these responsibilities, it’s hectic. I don’t have time to breathe. I spend more time with strangers because of my profession than with family and friends. I have to cancel friend reunions and the quote, “If you really want to be here, you will be here anyhow” doesn’t apply to me. I hate it how life isn’t static anymore and I’m always moving from place to place, giving out smiles and engaging in something meaningful. I know I’m learning a lot from talking to a lot of people and hearing their stories, but its come to a point when I’ve heard so many stories that nothing seems so spectacular anymore.

Back to boredom. What is going on? I can’t even enjoy video games now. I’m not addicted to drugs, or interested in concerts. It sucks to work like this. All of a sudden you hear so many stories of people struggling and you realise that people want to talk about how life is going nowhere. 24 hours a day, a life expectancy of 62 years, it’s not enough. I’m 21 people and I’ve achieved nothing. Frustration creeps in because at times life has been so predictable. I know that after I get on my bike, I’ll reach my destination in 20 minutes, and then another 20 minutes to get back home. How I wish I could just open a life editor and replace those 40 mins of useless travel with something exciting. If life is going to be this rigid, why live? The more I understand life, the more I get so damn frustrated. What is the purpose if you earn money to pay the rent while diabetes is slowly creeping into you. Seeing how stagnant life is right now, if sometimes makes me wonder if death would have been less painful.

I had a dream that one day I’ll be singing on a rooftop like the Beatles did or travel to Hawaii and bask in the sun. Those are certain fragments of somebodys life who has spent many hard hours sweating like a pig working their ass of. I’m so puzzled right now. Its not like I’m doing really bad in life but having no sense of what is going to happen in my life is frustrating. I see people who haven’t followed their dreams and think they should follow them, but then ignorance is bliss. If you have nothing to worry about, you’re free. You won’t get bald from all the pressure you never had. Also, being knowledgable sucks. I regret every time I have a sip of carbonated drink knowing its only making me fat and killing me. Ugh! Sometimes knowing too much makes me wish I was an ignorant know-nothing creep.

Heads heavy, airs dense, lights messing with my head, everything pretty much sucks. If I can clear my head, I’ll start writing. As for now, I’ll just have to settle with the best thing thats coming out of me right now.


Taking the step

I once tried to set up a friend of mine with a friend of mine and she said she didn’t want a boyfriend because she’s been too hurt in the past. I thought she was stupid and talked shit, and now I’m in the same darn situation. So yes, I’m being stupid and I’m talking shit. Everybody deserves love mate. Everybody.

I grew up a Beatles fan and I always heed the words of John Lennon, “all you need is love” and yes, “love is all you need”. Perhaps it was wrong for me to be obsessed with anyone or anything, but just because everything has gone wrong for me until this point does not mean what I’m doing is wrong. So many people have so much worse real life heartbreak stories than I have. Many suffered so much that they thought suicide was the best option, or at least hurting themselves. But love is so different. You heal a broken heart with love. Love fixes love.

It could be the love for movies, or sports, or some company. All it takes is time to heal wounds, but do not lose hope because better things will always come. I’m scared myself at the moment because I like someone, but we hold an uncertain future. She might be going far away, and I might be ignorant and busy. I know it’s better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all (I nicked this line off someone) so I know I should just ask her out. I think we’ll be good together, but I’m too damn scared to start because I’m not sure if I can commit as much to her as I’ve done before. But I know this girl is a lot different and has what I’m looking for, honesty and loyalty. There’s this thing that’s holding me back I think, the fact that she said love is something that happens. It’s perhaps getting close, and perhaps I’m waiting for it.

I’ve had plenty of crush on girls all right, I have to admit, but it was never the sexy body, voice or a beautiful face. What I’ve always wanted was someone I can share my thoughts with and someone who can actually understand the things I say. I want someone who is comfortable to beat me up and someone whom I can help. I want to make a difference in someone’s life without taking away what’s in their life such as moments with family and friends. It’s kind of confusing and I will regret this moment if she goes out with someone else because I like her, very much. I just need some courage.

I really hope I do not mess up the good friendship we have or have any awkward moments. She’s not perfect and I never expect her to be, but I know we understand each other. Strangers are easy to forget, not friends and I don’t wanna lose her. As for now, I’ll just wait for the moment.

Finding glory in the wrong place

I borrowed a playlist of my friend and I’ve been intensely listening to it. I don’t have too many girls singing in mine and soft acoustics and soft spoken words have moulded into me.

I know how much I’ve tried to commit to people and things, but perhaps its time I loosened up a little. I mean I quit a lot of bad habits and its time I don’t let them come creeping back to me; something like laziness and carelessness. Sometimes it’s keeping hold of things that makes a lot of difference and certainly times are changing and you’ll need to explore. It’s almost like I should read Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea” again and expect something different to come out of it again.

A few days ago my friend took a peek at the pictures on my phone and asked me, “why are these poems and lines so love related?”. The answer was because I was quite heartbroken for a while. Yes, I learned a lot from it, but it’s time to clean the mess. I don’t need those poor haunting lines of poetry to give me false hope and to get back into the mess I once was in. I’ve been looking for the change in the wrong places. I guess this vision like a tunnel of finding what I’m looking for in the wrong place has hampered me much. Every day I’m learning, more from my past mistakes.

I can see a reserved passive force in me and I hope this stone hearted and gripped person will let lose of himself in time. There’s so much to look for and changes are coming to me. I’ve forgotten and left behind a lot of values which I was quite radical about in the past, but life is all about the small packages of joy. Nothing happens as planned and what I wanted to become and what I’ve become are almost contrasting figures. I’ve certainly grown, but I’m still a boy I feel. The child in me is still there and the man is yet to be born.

For now, I know my place. It’s in listening to soft songs that connect me more to wood and grit, the nature and more of reality, not my fictional or future world. Growing up too quickly was probably the worst thing that happened to but everything must take its course.

What’s more important now is discovering myself. Live more. Love more. Grow.