I borrowed a playlist of my friend and I’ve been intensely listening to it. I don’t have too many girls singing in mine and soft acoustics and soft spoken words have moulded into me.
I know how much I’ve tried to commit to people and things, but perhaps its time I loosened up a little. I mean I quit a lot of bad habits and its time I don’t let them come creeping back to me; something like laziness and carelessness. Sometimes it’s keeping hold of things that makes a lot of difference and certainly times are changing and you’ll need to explore. It’s almost like I should read Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea” again and expect something different to come out of it again.
A few days ago my friend took a peek at the pictures on my phone and asked me, “why are these poems and lines so love related?”. The answer was because I was quite heartbroken for a while. Yes, I learned a lot from it, but it’s time to clean the mess. I don’t need those poor haunting lines of poetry to give me false hope and to get back into the mess I once was in. I’ve been looking for the change in the wrong places. I guess this vision like a tunnel of finding what I’m looking for in the wrong place has hampered me much. Every day I’m learning, more from my past mistakes.
I can see a reserved passive force in me and I hope this stone hearted and gripped person will let lose of himself in time. There’s so much to look for and changes are coming to me. I’ve forgotten and left behind a lot of values which I was quite radical about in the past, but life is all about the small packages of joy. Nothing happens as planned and what I wanted to become and what I’ve become are almost contrasting figures. I’ve certainly grown, but I’m still a boy I feel. The child in me is still there and the man is yet to be born.
For now, I know my place. It’s in listening to soft songs that connect me more to wood and grit, the nature and more of reality, not my fictional or future world. Growing up too quickly was probably the worst thing that happened to but everything must take its course.
What’s more important now is discovering myself. Live more. Love more. Grow.