“All writers seem to be lost”
Stuck in a haze in middle age. Caressing my palms. Feeling the dryness of my lips. Flicking my tongue. Closing my eyes. Taking a deep breath. I’ve tipped off balance. I don’t know where I stand.
Silence can drive you with madness. They say you should surround yourself with good people. I surround myself with no one. I hate it how everyone is busy. I’m busy myself; it’s the biggest drag. I’m not just stuck in a maze, but I’m stuck between the devil and the deep blue seas. I cannot find me. It’s lost. It’s gone. I’ve become average. I’ve become what I’ve dreaded.
There was a time I used to be ignorant and I used to be happy. Hemingway was right. Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing. I pity that miserable bastard for the sarcastic comment on himself, but perhaps I’m one o them. In trying to save the world, I forgot I was only putting myself down. Why should I sacrifice myself when others do not even want to hear? I’d found hope a while ago, and now I’ve lost faith. I’m a nowhere man.
I cannot find happiness in ignorance. Where can I find it? Most people find it in religion and in my world, it does not exist. Maybe it is there in love, and every day I believe less in it. Some find it in greed which never worked for me. There only happiness in incomprehension, and I’ve become too smart to return to this phase. I cannot go back to stupidity and there is no way I can be sane.
Yesterday I fell in love with someone and today it faded away. When logic can explain everything, your world becomes binary. It’s either true or false. It either works or it won’t. There is no belief. There is no hope. Now I don’t believe in religion and I don’t believe in science. It’s something else that’s so beyond. I don’t know what. Being a sane person in this world is driving me into insanity. I find answers and I find its defects. Reality makes me weep. The world is an utter disappointment. I changed but the people didn’t. I tried to live, but they didn’t let me. The world has let me down. Its pulled the trigger with a smile on its face. You.. you there.. what have you done?
Yesterday caffeine worked. Nicotine before that. Alcohol too. Drugs never worked on me and spirituality made me believe, but it cannot always be present with me. I did all I can to battle addiction, but I only lost my mind. The more you learn, the less you know. The further one travels, the less one knows. If only listening to The Beatles solved everything. I’ve lost it all. I’ve become an alien. I think I’m the perfect example to be me, but I’m a weirdo to others. I plea not to follow me, because the lunatic is in my head. I know so much and I hate the fact that it makes me miserable.
I thought I’d discovered myself, but I’ve lost myself again. Can I play with madness? Can I deal with miracles? Will I find what I’m looking for or will I create the love machine? Will tomorrow be a better day than today? It certainly won’t because those who love society this way will revolt against change.