The mind and the heart

When you’re in your teens or early twenties, you should rather be focused on developing yourself. Jumping too quick into something big has probably got to one of the biggest mistakes I have made.

There is no substitute for time at all. It’s the most important element of your investment. People will tell you so many stories of theirs when they’ve been simultaneously involved in half a dozen projects when they were starting up. Everyone will give you advises because it worked for them or because they made a mistake and learned from them. But it’s all advice. You do learn from other people’s mistake but everything you’ve gone through will give you your unique experience. Right now, I have too many things crammed in my head and I’m muddled. I’m at a point where I know what I’m good at but I don’t want to do it. Without motivation, the void is getting hollower every passing moment. I’m unable to work with efficiency because my inner light refuses to live a life so mundane. Oh, what have I got myself into. Burning down the bridges has got me into a heap of trouble but I know that better things are there for me to achieve.
While I’d like to start something on my own, I know that I’ll have to be incredibly patient. The things I want to achieve in life will ever be fulfilled if I work on it consistently. I have lost the will to do something I thrived for ages ago. By learning from someone’s experience, I’ve known even before I start that in the future, there’s a dead-end. Why would I go after something when I know the game is a loop, so the dead-end is actually never-ending. One, the unique number, is what I’m after. How do I become different that someone else? How can I walk the streets every day and see feel no one else can comprehend? Knowing that what I’m doing to do is going to lead me is deafeningly sad. There is so much pain in knowing and ignorance truly is bliss. Mad people have happier lives than the merry people who always seek for a reason to live. The days go by and everything seems the same but deep inside everyone is changing. We’re either getting frustrated every day, giving up on what we want to do, or either striving vigorously to achieve what you want because you know what you want to do. And then there’s the rest of us in limbo, with no idea what’s up next for us. Deep inside, we’re al dying because of something.
There’s a long list of things I want to achieve. I know that everything is reachable but I can only go for one thing at a time. If you try to get the best of both worlds, you’re only piling the misery. One person told me that the hardest thing is to be consistent on what you’re working on. I refuse to believe in him. To me, the hardest things are to figure out what you want to do. If you find out what is it that you truly love, you will love the pain it brings. When you’re working on something you love, you always compromise, not sacrifice. When if feels that it’s not worth the extra effort or whatever you do is meaningless and only a helm to pass another day, it’s time to get out. Though I really wanted to become loyal to people or an institution, staying in one place for too long will drive you bonkers. Every day should be like the first day of spring when you feel that today is a better day than yesterday. Today should be brighter and warmer, the flowers should bloom, the bees should come out and the rain should drizzle. Not all places will feel like home and not all people are here to stay. You should understand that so many things you do are meaningless and you only do it to keep up and live another day. Every day you are unmotivated and feel worthless will draw you closer to your death. Figure out yourself and find out what it makes you happy because no one can find your happiness for you. In every phase of life, you have to move on to an another stage.
The nihilist in me knows that happiness is just a state of mind. It understands the physical needs and the psychological needs. We need both of them to survive. It put me in a place where I’d never want stay and I die every day knowing that I bit off more than I could chew. I never even got close to my potential but I know who I am. This is just a bad time for me. Someday, everything will make sense and I am all but a ghost right now, with no idea of what I’m doing and only making things worse and scaring people. I know that there’s a lot I want to do but I’m not ready. The lessons I’ve learned have made me resilient, or else, this frustration would have galloped me by now. As for now, I still search for what connects my body and my soul. I’m alive, I’m breathing, but I what I need to do is live.


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