Happiness is a weird thing: mercurial and capricious at times, sometimes sticks around for long and at times it completely disappears.
I lost my head a while back when I felt the void of any feeling. I wasn’t under any pressure or unhappy because of some dire circumstance, but I looked around and I saw my life stuck in second gear. Nothing was really happening. I looked into myself 5 years and I saw myself being stuck in a sinkhole being pulled under by the force of water, unable to move and paralysed. I realised that happiness did not come to me because I’ve been stuck in a place where I need to move on from.
It isn’t easy to move from one place to another. It’s a mixture of distress, excitement, uncertainty and better things, in the most random order. I tried but then I failed. I only voiced and did not take action. I do not regret it much but it certainly puts me in a dilemma with decisions I do not know the consequences to, nor do I understand. What is it that I want has remained hidden underneath my skin and I do not yet know what I can do to get to utopia. Does happiness come knocking to your door? Sometimes it does, I’ve realised.
Sometimes out of the blue, you meet an old friend and someone just recalls a thing about you which you’ already forgotten. It turns out that people have memories of me and of the person I used to be. Some people understand the pain I’ve gone through and some have inquired about what I’m going through. I’ve understood that not all people are ignorant and some do genuinely care about you. If you do good for people, they will remember your name. A favour is something people do not forget and there are some people who will do you a favour by loving you in ways you will never know. Yes, good people do exist in this world, and it makes me happy.
Sometimes happiness is stored. By which I mean, someone recorded 10 hours of rainfall so I can listen to it and relieve myself from stress. Of course, there are some people you meet and they suddenly light up your day, without saying a word and then there are angels who message you good morning every day and ask me if I feel better today. Even though they were not there for the greater part of my life, it makes me know that there are people who care. Sometimes happiness is selfish, but there is so much joy in giving, sharing thoughts and in empathy. I’ve realised that there are more people who care abut you than you know.
The world is a strange place that gives out treats at random moments and then there’s the shower of sorrow that gets you sodden in sadness which is hard to get rid of, but then that’s life. Like a brother of mine once told me, “The best things in life come in small packages”. It’s true, it is. It’s the small random moments of inspiration, a random hello, a stranger pulling your bike while in the parking lot or perhaps someone just smiling at you for apparently no reason. It’s at times hard to explain.
I think I’m sad because I’m searching for happiness but I know that it’s just a change in the mood and the way you look into it. I am still a bit sad but I’m a little less sad than I was yesterday. Every day, I feel more stress as deadlines loom and then there’s the excitement of the things that I’ve been waiting for like a new season of Game of Thrones. These are often silly things that let me down like a rejection from a loved one, insomnia or the fear of being left out. But then I thought I’d realised that life is unfair and that we have to accept it? Sometimes I tend to forget but well, I know that sadness does not stick with you for long. Sadness is merely the absence of something useful going on in life. And I know that my life is on the verge of change and waiting for something beautiful to come along. Though I hate the moment I’m living in, I’m still loving life because I’ve learned so much and I’m only waiting to evolve.
I can only pray that tomorrow will be a better day than today because well, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure something good happens tomorrow. I wish to rediscover myself and my purpose of being alive. Sometimes, you have all the answers you need but you’re just lost in gloomy thoughts because you never cared to enjoy the little treats life brings to you. You cannot always be happy, but at least you can try. I think I’ll wake up tomorrow and smile for apparently no reason, or well, just to try to start a bright new day.