Well, this is it, the end. There’s no turning from here. It’s an end to this nihilistic journey. Things have changed so much over the years. I refused to become someone else but I think I’ve given in now. I am not the same person who started this. I don’t look the same, I don’t feel the same, I don’t think the same. Change was imminent and I believe I’ve gone through some bitter sweet transitions. Betrayal, progress and iteration has added some meaning to this world now. I cannot stand in denial of everything that’s existed because I have seemingly found a meaning in this world. I still have a lot to learn but I have learned more now. Things are much clearer and there is more to life than there was before. Sails have to be let loose so one can reach their destination. We sometimes sway away far to an unknown land and now it is time to treasure these new found lands. I might as well stand up now and fulfil the destiny I am yet to create. The nihilist has served its purpose. Now is the time of the existentialist.
I thought I’d never get out of the gravity of depression but I’m getting out of it and it ironically kind of makes me sad. I think I’ve lived in this crazy state for too long and getting out of this mental illness feels weird.
Knowing that someone else has a worse story than yours and taking comfort from it kind of makes me feel guilty. I think it is knowing the sadder stories of others and getting my personal freedom which has helped me better understand the world. It isn’t too crooked if you understand how the world really works. Getting to know more about the world and filling in the curiously with logic and evidence has helped me realise that I’ve been crying over spilled milk for a really long time. Taking some time off and trying to understand yourself understanding as well as the world around you will talk some sense into you and you will get out of the unnecessary trouble you keep getting yourself into. Once you understand the why’s, it is easier to live the sane life.
This month, I got rid of a lot of baggage I’d held with me. I’ve sorted out what things I’ve considered important in life were liabilities I’d held on to for too long. An important thing I’ve understood is that you cannot talk sense into everyone. They have their own learning curve and their own opinions. Because we all have a different perspective from living in a different environment or growing up differently, you cannot change everyone. Not everything will make sense to people and often ignorance is bliss. Next time you start arguing, know if you’re doing to stand dominant or to teach the other person a lesson. There is no point in arguing with fools or even listening to them. Some people will hurt you and friends will turn into foes, but remember that it is not your fault that you shoved people away when what you wanted to do was bring a change.
It’s not everyday that something exciting is happening and you learn new things. At times, you should just take time to read a good book, become a critic and question your own philosophies. I’ve realised that there are people close to me, who are on the same page and I didn’t even realise. Its better late than never that you get along with people who think like you and get rid of those who don’t get what you’re saying. A flexible mind is of utter importance and those not ready to unlearn the things they’ve held with them for a long time are running into a brick wall. Only luck can save those who do not plan on carving their thoughts to share it the way the modern world runs. As for now, it’s not my woe to worry about those left behind because there are way too many lessons to learn in life and you cannot save anyone from the detrimental ideologies holding them behind.
You can’t call a person for selfish for not carrying you along the way. Everybody’s experience is unique and perhaps there are plenty of things I do not understand about the world and the universe still has plenty to teach me. Right now, I’ll be glad if someone comes along and proves me wrong about anything because I’d learn from it. Its time to see both side of the story, analyse and go ahead with what makes more sense to my situation. And taking about luck, I think I’ve taken the wrong train to a place I want to be.
It goes both ways
Of that I’m sure
Some don’t realise
And I was one of them
For you would cry I know
A river would flow in tears
Because some things take time
And sometimes all you need to do
Is look at what you’ve been through
To realise how beautiful
Our moments have been
That if life would end
The other would suffer much more pain
Some people mean more than others
And you to me are my jewel
The beauty others don’t recognise
The understanding others cannot have
Thoughts you thought you couldn’t share
The laughter and the care
The hugs held close to the heart
And every moment that we share
I am a fool for I did not realise
That you’ve always had me in your mind
That my sadness is as much yours
The burden and grief you’d carry for me
For life is endless and people change
But we’ll live enough to see it through
For life is long and people we forget
But love stays and we bury regrets
You to me are too precious
And I know I am to you
You to me are the most beautiful
And though I’ve tried hard to get way
Some bonds are too strong to break
Love goes two ways
Of that I’m sure
And we will never let go
Happiness is a weird thing: mercurial and capricious at times, sometimes sticks around for long and at times it completely disappears.
I lost my head a while back when I felt the void of any feeling. I wasn’t under any pressure or unhappy because of some dire circumstance, but I looked around and I saw my life stuck in second gear. Nothing was really happening. I looked into myself 5 years and I saw myself being stuck in a sinkhole being pulled under by the force of water, unable to move and paralysed. I realised that happiness did not come to me because I’ve been stuck in a place where I need to move on from.
It isn’t easy to move from one place to another. It’s a mixture of distress, excitement, uncertainty and better things, in the most random order. I tried but then I failed. I only voiced and did not take action. I do not regret it much but it certainly puts me in a dilemma with decisions I do not know the consequences to, nor do I understand. What is it that I want has remained hidden underneath my skin and I do not yet know what I can do to get to utopia. Does happiness come knocking to your door? Sometimes it does, I’ve realised.
Sometimes out of the blue, you meet an old friend and someone just recalls a thing about you which you’ already forgotten. It turns out that people have memories of me and of the person I used to be. Some people understand the pain I’ve gone through and some have inquired about what I’m going through. I’ve understood that not all people are ignorant and some do genuinely care about you. If you do good for people, they will remember your name. A favour is something people do not forget and there are some people who will do you a favour by loving you in ways you will never know. Yes, good people do exist in this world, and it makes me happy.
Sometimes happiness is stored. By which I mean, someone recorded 10 hours of rainfall so I can listen to it and relieve myself from stress. Of course, there are some people you meet and they suddenly light up your day, without saying a word and then there are angels who message you good morning every day and ask me if I feel better today. Even though they were not there for the greater part of my life, it makes me know that there are people who care. Sometimes happiness is selfish, but there is so much joy in giving, sharing thoughts and in empathy. I’ve realised that there are more people who care abut you than you know.
The world is a strange place that gives out treats at random moments and then there’s the shower of sorrow that gets you sodden in sadness which is hard to get rid of, but then that’s life. Like a brother of mine once told me, “The best things in life come in small packages”. It’s true, it is. It’s the small random moments of inspiration, a random hello, a stranger pulling your bike while in the parking lot or perhaps someone just smiling at you for apparently no reason. It’s at times hard to explain.
I think I’m sad because I’m searching for happiness but I know that it’s just a change in the mood and the way you look into it. I am still a bit sad but I’m a little less sad than I was yesterday. Every day, I feel more stress as deadlines loom and then there’s the excitement of the things that I’ve been waiting for like a new season of Game of Thrones. These are often silly things that let me down like a rejection from a loved one, insomnia or the fear of being left out. But then I thought I’d realised that life is unfair and that we have to accept it? Sometimes I tend to forget but well, I know that sadness does not stick with you for long. Sadness is merely the absence of something useful going on in life. And I know that my life is on the verge of change and waiting for something beautiful to come along. Though I hate the moment I’m living in, I’m still loving life because I’ve learned so much and I’m only waiting to evolve.
I can only pray that tomorrow will be a better day than today because well, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure something good happens tomorrow. I wish to rediscover myself and my purpose of being alive. Sometimes, you have all the answers you need but you’re just lost in gloomy thoughts because you never cared to enjoy the little treats life brings to you. You cannot always be happy, but at least you can try. I think I’ll wake up tomorrow and smile for apparently no reason, or well, just to try to start a bright new day.