Everyday life

The disappearing madness and the appearance of enlightenment

I thought I’d never get out of the gravity of depression but I’m getting out of it and it ironically kind of makes me sad. I think I’ve lived in this crazy state for too long and getting out of this mental illness feels weird.

Knowing that someone else has a worse story than yours and taking comfort from it kind of makes me feel guilty. I think it is knowing the sadder stories of others and getting my personal freedom which has helped me better understand the world. It isn’t too crooked if you understand how the world really works. Getting to know more about the world and filling in the curiously with logic and evidence has helped me realise that I’ve been crying over spilled milk for a really long time. Taking some time off and trying to understand yourself understanding as well as the world around you will talk some ┬ásense into you and you will get out of the unnecessary trouble you keep getting yourself into. Once you understand the why’s, it is easier to live the sane life.

This month, I got rid of a lot of baggage I’d held with me. I’ve sorted out what things I’ve considered important in life were liabilities I’d held on to for too long. An important thing I’ve understood is that you cannot talk sense into everyone. They have their own learning curve and their own opinions. Because we all have a different perspective from living in a different environment or growing up differently, you cannot change everyone. Not everything will make sense to people and often ignorance is bliss. Next time you start arguing, know if you’re doing to stand dominant or to teach the other person a lesson. There is no point in arguing with fools or even listening to them. Some people will hurt you and friends will turn into foes, but remember that it is not your fault that you shoved people away when what you wanted to do was bring a change.

It’s not everyday that something exciting is happening and you learn new things. At times, you should just take time to read a good book, become a critic and question your own philosophies. I’ve realised that there are people close to me, who are on the same page and I didn’t even realise. Its better late than never that you get along with people who think like you and get rid of those who don’t get what you’re saying. A flexible mind is of utter importance and those not ready to unlearn the things they’ve held with them for a long time are running into a brick wall. Only luck can save those who do not plan on carving their thoughts to share it the way the modern world runs. As for now, it’s not my woe to worry about those left behind because there are way too many lessons to learn in life and you cannot save anyone from the detrimental ideologies holding them behind.

You can’t call a person for selfish for not carrying you along the way. Everybody’s experience is unique and perhaps there are plenty of things I do not understand about the world and the universe still has plenty to teach me. Right now, I’ll be glad if someone comes along and proves me wrong about anything because I’d learn from it. Its time to see both side of the story, analyse and go ahead with what makes more sense to my situation. And taking about luck, I think I’ve taken the wrong train to a place I want to be.


The pursuit of happiness

Happiness is a weird thing: mercurial and capricious at times, sometimes sticks around for long and at times it completely disappears.

I lost my head a while back when I felt the void of any feeling. I wasn’t under any pressure or unhappy because of some dire circumstance, but I looked around and I saw my life stuck in second gear. Nothing was really happening. I looked into myself 5 years and I saw myself being stuck in a sinkhole being pulled under by the force of water, unable to move and paralysed. I realised that happiness did not come to me because I’ve been stuck in a place where I need to move on from.

It isn’t easy to move from one place to another. It’s a mixture of distress, excitement, uncertainty and better things, in the most random order. I tried but then I failed. I only voiced and did not take action. I do not regret it much but it certainly puts me in a dilemma with decisions I do not know the consequences to, nor do I understand. What is it that I want has remained hidden underneath my skin and I do not yet know what I can do to get to utopia. Does happiness come knocking to your door? Sometimes it does, I’ve realised.

Sometimes out of the blue, you meet an old friend and someone just recalls a thing about you which you’ already forgotten. It turns out that people have memories of me and of the person I used to be. Some people understand the pain I’ve gone through and some have inquired about what I’m going through. I’ve understood that not all people are ignorant and some do genuinely care about you. If you do good for people, they will remember your name. A favour is something people do not forget and there are some people who will do you a favour by loving you in ways you will never know. Yes, good people do exist in this world, and it makes me happy.

Sometimes happiness is stored. By which I mean, someone recorded 10 hours of rainfall so I can listen to it and relieve myself from stress. Of course, there are some people you meet and they suddenly light up your day, without saying a word and then there are angels who message you good morning every day and ask me if I feel better today. Even though they were not there for the greater part of my life, it makes me know that there are people who care. Sometimes happiness is selfish, but there is so much joy in giving, sharing thoughts and in empathy. I’ve realised that there are more people who care abut you than you know.

The world is a strange place that gives out treats at random moments and then there’s the shower of sorrow that gets you sodden in sadness which is hard to get rid of, but then that’s life. Like a brother of mine once told me, “The best things in life come in small packages”. It’s true, it is. It’s the small random moments of inspiration, a random hello, a stranger pulling your bike while in the parking lot or perhaps someone just smiling at you for apparently no reason. It’s at times hard to explain.

I think I’m sad because I’m searching for happiness but I know that it’s just a change in the mood and the way you look into it. I am still a bit sad but I’m a little less sad than I was yesterday. Every day, I feel more stress as deadlines loom and then there’s the excitement of the things that I’ve been waiting for like a new season of Game of Thrones. These are often silly things that let me down like a rejection from a loved one, insomnia or the fear of being left out. But then I thought I’d realised that life is unfair and that we have to accept it? Sometimes I tend to forget but well, I know that sadness does not stick with you for long. Sadness is merely the absence of something useful going on in life. And I know that my life is on the verge of change and waiting for something beautiful to come along. Though I hate the moment I’m living in, I’m still loving life because I’ve learned so much and I’m only waiting to evolve.

I can only pray that tomorrow will be a better day than today because well, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure something good happens tomorrow. I wish to rediscover myself and my purpose of being alive. Sometimes, you have all the answers you need but you’re just lost in gloomy thoughts because you never cared to enjoy the little treats life brings to you. You cannot always be happy, but at least you can try. I think I’ll wake up tomorrow and smile for apparently no reason, or well, just to try to start a bright new day.

A deeper understanding

You probably pity me my brother and I pity you. If there’s something I’ve learned in the past couple of years, it’s that the elders are not necessarily the wiser because many of us are mislead.

I know you care about me but you’re bringing me down. Just because you topped the class in college doesn’t make you smarter. If I have to label you anything, I’d call you an intelligent fool because you know so much but you do not understand the fact that we live in two different worlds. You have decided to flee to the US and work. I do not hold those ambitions, not unless it’s for the greater good of society. I feel sorry for you following the mainstream path of getting an education and getting a job.

I understand why education is important and I have my alternatives for not getting a degree at the moment. To me, knowledge is important, not a certificate. I know how I can get to the point better than you have reached. I know this because you have not seen the world. How do I know this? To start with, you have no respect for what I am doing. Nothing I do will ever seem right unless I do it your way. If only you could get yourself out of the corporate world and see right through to the real world, you would know how to live.

You’re blinded by the fact that you earn so much there. What you are doing is worthless and you are replaceable. You’re a corporate slave doing what you do to find a place in place in a competitive society, not trying to bring the change that is needed. You’re a drone bee and I do not intend my life to be that way. I have choices to make and figure out ways of how I can light up tomorrow. Sitting in a chair and following orders is not something I’m too compatible with. Though I lack experience, I know my potential, and the things I can do and I cannot. You, on the other hand, have been too far away to understand the lives we live here. You are finding comfort in creating someone else’s country and with your lack of innovation, you will not find anything worth doing here. You have set yourself in a trap. You might possess the skills that a first world country needs, but no one here is ready to pay you for the reputation you hold in the land of opportunities which I won’t be surprised if you call it a home. For someone who has already set a different mentality, I do not want you to come back and mess me around with the reputation you have earned by fixing someone else’s  problem.

Grow up brother. See reality as it is. I’ll work on what I’m best at and what I’m doing should not bother you. What your family has done for me is not the same as what you have done for me. You have no manners and you are trying to do something to feel good about yourself by taking away my freedom. If you have no respect for me, I hold no respect for you either. Don’t show me the silver lining of your life because I will not be happy following your path. Find yourself. You are out in your own thoughts. Only you can save yourself. I hope you figure out that there is more in this world than just money. It isn’t entirely power and it will never be my happiness.


The mind and the heart

When you’re in your teens or early twenties, you should rather be focused on developing yourself. Jumping too quick into something big has probably got to one of the biggest mistakes I have made.

There is no substitute for time at all. It’s the most important element of your investment. People will tell you so many stories of theirs when they’ve been simultaneously involved in half a dozen projects when they were starting up. Everyone will give you advises because it worked for them or because they made a mistake and learned from them. But it’s all advice. You do learn from other people’s mistake but everything you’ve gone through will give you your unique experience. Right now, I have too many things crammed in my head and I’m muddled. I’m at a point where I know what I’m good at but I don’t want to do it. Without motivation, the void is getting hollower every passing moment. I’m unable to work with efficiency because my inner light refuses to live a life so mundane. Oh, what have I got myself into. Burning down the bridges has got me into a heap of trouble but I know that better things are there for me to achieve.
While I’d like to start something on my own, I know that I’ll have to be incredibly patient. The things I want to achieve in life will ever be fulfilled if I work on it consistently. I have lost the will to do something I thrived for ages ago. By learning from someone’s experience, I’ve known even before I start that in the future, there’s a dead-end. Why would I go after something when I know the game is a loop, so the dead-end is actually never-ending. One, the unique number, is what I’m after. How do I become different that someone else? How can I walk the streets every day and see feel no one else can comprehend? Knowing that what I’m doing to do is going to lead me is deafeningly sad. There is so much pain in knowing and ignorance truly is bliss. Mad people have happier lives than the merry people who always seek for a reason to live. The days go by and everything seems the same but deep inside everyone is changing. We’re either getting frustrated every day, giving up on what we want to do, or either striving vigorously to achieve what you want because you know what you want to do. And then there’s the rest of us in limbo, with no idea what’s up next for us. Deep inside, we’re al dying because of something.
There’s a long list of things I want to achieve. I know that everything is reachable but I can only go for one thing at a time. If you try to get the best of both worlds, you’re only piling the misery. One person told me that the hardest thing is to be consistent on what you’re working on. I refuse to believe in him. To me, the hardest things are to figure out what you want to do. If you find out what is it that you truly love, you will love the pain it brings. When you’re working on something you love, you always compromise, not sacrifice. When if feels that it’s not worth the extra effort or whatever you do is meaningless and only a helm to pass another day, it’s time to get out. Though I really wanted to become loyal to people or an institution, staying in one place for too long will drive you bonkers. Every day should be like the first day of spring when you feel that today is a better day than yesterday. Today should be brighter and warmer, the flowers should bloom, the bees should come out and the rain should drizzle. Not all places will feel like home and not all people are here to stay. You should understand that so many things you do are meaningless and you only do it to keep up and live another day. Every day you are unmotivated and feel worthless will draw you closer to your death. Figure out yourself and find out what it makes you happy because no one can find your happiness for you. In every phase of life, you have to move on to an another stage.
The nihilist in me knows that happiness is just a state of mind. It understands the physical needs and the psychological needs. We need both of them to survive. It put me in a place where I’d never want stay and I die every day knowing that I bit off more than I could chew. I never even got close to my potential but I know who I am. This is just a bad time for me. Someday, everything will make sense and I am all but a ghost right now, with no idea of what I’m doing and only making things worse and scaring people. I know that there’s a lot I want to do but I’m not ready. The lessons I’ve learned have made me resilient, or else, this frustration would have galloped me by now. As for now, I still search for what connects my body and my soul. I’m alive, I’m breathing, but I what I need to do is live.