The mind and the heart

When you’re in your teens or early twenties, you should rather be focused on developing yourself. Jumping too quick into something big has probably got to one of the biggest mistakes I have made.

There is no substitute for time at all. It’s the most important element of your investment. People will tell you so many stories of theirs when they’ve been simultaneously involved in half a dozen projects when they were starting up. Everyone will give you advises because it worked for them or because they made a mistake and learned from them. But it’s all advice. You do learn from other people’s mistake but everything you’ve gone through will give you your unique experience. Right now, I have too many things crammed in my head and I’m muddled. I’m at a point where I know what I’m good at but I don’t want to do it. Without motivation, the void is getting hollower every passing moment. I’m unable to work with efficiency because my inner light refuses to live a life so mundane. Oh, what have I got myself into. Burning down the bridges has got me into a heap of trouble but I know that better things are there for me to achieve.
While I’d like to start something on my own, I know that I’ll have to be incredibly patient. The things I want to achieve in life will ever be fulfilled if I work on it consistently. I have lost the will to do something I thrived for ages ago. By learning from someone’s experience, I’ve known even before I start that in the future, there’s a dead-end. Why would I go after something when I know the game is a loop, so the dead-end is actually never-ending. One, the unique number, is what I’m after. How do I become different that someone else? How can I walk the streets every day and see feel no one else can comprehend? Knowing that what I’m doing to do is going to lead me is deafeningly sad. There is so much pain in knowing and ignorance truly is bliss. Mad people have happier lives than the merry people who always seek for a reason to live. The days go by and everything seems the same but deep inside everyone is changing. We’re either getting frustrated every day, giving up on what we want to do, or either striving vigorously to achieve what you want because you know what you want to do. And then there’s the rest of us in limbo, with no idea what’s up next for us. Deep inside, we’re al dying because of something.
There’s a long list of things I want to achieve. I know that everything is reachable but I can only go for one thing at a time. If you try to get the best of both worlds, you’re only piling the misery. One person told me that the hardest thing is to be consistent on what you’re working on. I refuse to believe in him. To me, the hardest things are to figure out what you want to do. If you find out what is it that you truly love, you will love the pain it brings. When you’re working on something you love, you always compromise, not sacrifice. When if feels that it’s not worth the extra effort or whatever you do is meaningless and only a helm to pass another day, it’s time to get out. Though I really wanted to become loyal to people or an institution, staying in one place for too long will drive you bonkers. Every day should be like the first day of spring when you feel that today is a better day than yesterday. Today should be brighter and warmer, the flowers should bloom, the bees should come out and the rain should drizzle. Not all places will feel like home and not all people are here to stay. You should understand that so many things you do are meaningless and you only do it to keep up and live another day. Every day you are unmotivated and feel worthless will draw you closer to your death. Figure out yourself and find out what it makes you happy because no one can find your happiness for you. In every phase of life, you have to move on to an another stage.
The nihilist in me knows that happiness is just a state of mind. It understands the physical needs and the psychological needs. We need both of them to survive. It put me in a place where I’d never want stay and I die every day knowing that I bit off more than I could chew. I never even got close to my potential but I know who I am. This is just a bad time for me. Someday, everything will make sense and I am all but a ghost right now, with no idea of what I’m doing and only making things worse and scaring people. I know that there’s a lot I want to do but I’m not ready. The lessons I’ve learned have made me resilient, or else, this frustration would have galloped me by now. As for now, I still search for what connects my body and my soul. I’m alive, I’m breathing, but I what I need to do is live.

The world needs a hero

There was a point when I thought I could change the world with my little acts of kindness, but it doesn’t happen this way. Learning this fact changed the way I viewed people completely. I let the world decided what is wrong and what is right. How I wish I was still a child who still cared about the little things that could make a difference but a world so competitive and harsh changed the way I saw it completely, but I’ve had enough. I come back to a quote by Hendrix that goes something like, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”

I grew up as a Buddhist and this dude Buddha was my hero, an epitome of what I wanted to be. Like him, I was raised privileged; having whatever I want but hearing stories of him made me want to become a good person. There was this story when a cousin of Siddartha Gautam shot a goose and the Buddha took the injured bird to cure him with medicine. This story will forever be the most enlightening story that I’ve heard. It is a benchmark of where it started and what I wanted to be. I’m not being religious here. If it isn’t Buddhism, kindness is my religion. However, my universe has changed so much. While acts of kindness were something I tried to give out to people, I never really got anything in return. Your act of kindness is something you will be exploited for in this world. It turns out that not everyone shares the same vision as you and soon, people are bothered that you have a pure heart and they don’t. When people stopped appreciating what I’ve done for them, I changed. A little part of me died that day, making me one of those cruel people called human beings who have a history of being driven my power. I was never raised this way, but society changed me. Today, I have rediscovered who I am. I might have been born a human being–the species of destruction–but I’ll not let the world get me down and become a part of the dirge of this civilisation.

Meeting the wrong people has made such a big impact on who I am. In their defence, they only tried to show me the real world and tried to make me ready for what lies ahead. The world really is cruel and having friends in the later phase of life who has been through great heaps of crap taught me to see the cruelty I’d not seen before. The value of money has changed so much since it first came into existence. It’s all about the demand and supply, not the effort and value. When you grow up and when you don’t want to rely on your parents for you to have a life of luxury so you can contribute to this world, money becomes security. I’d never seen money this way. I thought organisations collected funds so they could help the world like my parents gave me pocket money so I could invest my energies at someplace needed, but the harsh reality is that the world doesn’t work until there’s a benefit for themselves. A big dream of mine was to work for an INGO as a kid but things changed when I saw how they utilise finds rashly and that someone’s pure contribution to make this world a better place has been utilised to gain status. I don’t want to use the money that has been granted for change to benefit someone else in making their lives better. I thought volunteer meant sacrificing your valuable time to create a better world without getting anything but personal satisfaction back but this term social service turns out to be purely backed my money. Capitalism is perhaps the greatest source of evil there exists in society. While some put it to good use, many are simply slaves to its reign. When an individual economy is much important that the benefit of the people as a whole, wars will rage so people can have a life of luxury. Can I change the way things are? I think yes. I need to go back and be reborn.

One of the worst pieces of advice I’ve been given my people is that in some point in life, you have to walk alone to achieve what you want. I really wish life never had to pan out this way. When everyone walks alone and have their own intentions of getting higher, the goal becomes selfish. Walking a lonely road changed me in ways I thought I never would. It made me forget that kindness is contagious. When everyone is by themselves, it is the survival of fittest. When your intentions are to live a better life only for yourself, when will the one who need help ever live a life? I thought I could change the world and I had good support as a kid, at least encouragement, to make this world better but then everyone walked away. Being solitary for too long might drive you crazy. It makes you admit that if you cannot beat them, you join them, and I let myself become a part of the charade. But lately I’ve met a wise man who hasn’t achieved so much in life and I asked him why his wisdom has not put him in a place where he deserves to be and he said, “It turns out you cannot do everything all alone.” This has touched me because now I know where I’ve drifted apart and why I haven’t been able to succeed. I reached my goal on my own when I needed support and people with a similar vision to create a better universe for the next generation, but unfortunately, even if people appreciated what I wanted to do, they never did tag along. Now I need help. I need people to assist me in creating my dream.

Someday, things will make sense. The greed driven world will realise that there is more to the world than just priming through life and that the important things in life need to be addressed. Ignorance has turned us into a social comfort seeking beast and we do not want to break free of the gravity holding us down. Someday the chains will be broken. The real heroes are the scientists, not the politicians. Perhaps someday, someone privileged will look down and see that the random act of kindness of someone can make a significant difference in someone’s life. Deep inside I believe there is good in everyone and that there will still be people who will inspire you to try to fix every hole in the world. Whoever told me, “It isn’t my responsibility to mend the world so broken,” you are wrong because who will fix it if I wont? It is my responsibly and you, the fallacy ass, you have a bigger responsibility because you need to stop revelling on the profit in the balance sheet and use the resources you have to make repairs to every dent that you’ve created. If we don’t change now, we never will.

That birthday gift

Dad’s birthday is coming and I was wondering what I should gift him? But then I recalled this gift I’d given him as a kid which I believe is something he’ll forever cherish. It certainly is something my family cherishes forever.

As a kid, my dad used to hang out a lot with his friends. They had a crib in Jyatha, a place close to Thamel where I’d often end up after school. I’d be watching action reality shows such as Fear Factor and Who Dares Wins on tape or playing uncle Yoshida’s Gameboy Color in the Japanese uncle’s apartment. Dad and his friends would be playing Mahjong, drinking beer or strong coffee, smoking cigarettes and a bamboo hookah while I’d be stuffing myself with unlimited Japanese candy. In a way, I liked his company even though it was dangerous because there used to be an actual handgun in the room which was so heavy I couldn’t carry even by using both hands (it did not have the magazine and no one ever got shot). So well, I’m just giving you a gist of what it was like.

The other hangout was this place called Hot Pot, a restaurant in Thamel. Dad and co. would often go there and gig on a normal night. But I don’t think dad went there after a while because I remember that most of the time, the ground floor of my house used to my dad’s pack of wolves’ favourite domain. They’d come to my house and bring me Chicken Crackers and Frooti. I’d munch on the snacks and play computer games (Mario, GTA2, Outlaw, Jedi Night, Road Rash, Timon and Pumba …) while the company would have their good time. Mom used to be upset about his dad’s friends hanging out while I was in the room because there were often times when uncles would bring tobacco and roll on paper, and smoke till the tobacco ran out. In fact, my mom hated that dad was smoking while I was in the room but it went on for quite some time; years, I mean.

So one day I’m at school and my teachers tell me that smoking is bad. Though I did not know how bad, I knew that my dad had a bad habit. Because he was my dad, I thought he was Superman and he could do nothing wrong, but I realised that I had to make him kick his habit (probably because mom was angry about it too). One day after school, I took out my GK book which had two small pictures of a no smoking sign and posted it in the room my dad and his friends would hang out. I did it impulsively without thinking too much on his birthday. I don’t remember his expression or what he told me or exactly when he stopped smoking but I know that things changed after that. He did quit smoking. After a while, he limited on his drinking and now he’s straight edge (drinks rarely though. I think. Don’t remember the last time he held beer). When I was a kid, he was a chain smoker who smoked way too much and I can only remember it in flashes because now it’s been way too long (at least 15 years) since I last saw him take one. Perhaps it’s because he was able to get rid of this habits that I could kick out a lot of my bad habits.

Dad’s always been an inspiration and he’s taught me so many things which make me different. Maybe I didn’t inherit the electric, table tennis or cooking skills that he has, but, well, I think it’s not the blueprint but the recipe of working things out that I’ve inherited. He’s the most awesome person I know and I’m proud that I have the most awesome dad.

P.S. Happy birthday pops.

The 3 Mistakes of my Life

  1. Following my dreams but not working on it
    Friends envy the fact that I follow my dreams but I’ve been poor on implementing the initial long term plan that I had. Perhaps I lack consistency because great ideas come consistently to my head making me lose focus on what I’d planned earlier and not working on my plans when I’m in the driving seat. I hope it’s not my laziness that’s kicked in and I do need to learn how to concentrate and manage time.
  2. Befriending people who let me down
    I’ve had a soft spot for people and loyalty has meant so much to me but in the end, people move on intentionally or unintentionally. Perhaps I’ve been forgiving people who do not deserve a second chance or sticking around people who have lower esteem than me. Not finding the people of my same intellectual level is drawing me down. Since no one has gone through life the way I have gone and have not had the great experience I have had, I’m poles apart from people I surround myself with. I’m surrounded by nice people who admire me and it gives me warmth, but I haven’t surrounded myself with people who can bring the best out of me.
  3. Not working on my talent and letting society get my nerves
    I was gifted an encyclopaedia as a kid so I had a natural nag of knowing things others wouldn’t know. I was good at computer games when personal computer was rare in the world. The one of the best guitarist, artist, photographer and boxer has agreed on making me their apprentice and I’ve accepted none of them. Though I have rebelled, I’ve still let society and routines take me on their mediocre path. Journalism has taught me things no other occupation or people could have taught me and I’ve not made the most out of it. I know I have great potential but without working on it, the talent will never be able to bring an outcome.