He wasn’t just another person that I knew who died. He’s the first long-serving true friend I’ve lost. This was a friendship between two generations and my family cluster.
When I first heard the news of his demise, I didn’t know what to make out of it. His death wasn’t as shocking. We had seen this coming. As far as memory serves, he was a healthy big American who always came to Nepal and to my home every two years or so. Despite the pollution and the political instability, he loved this country. However, with time, I’d seen him lose his hair, his body going stiff, his uncontrollably shaky hands, the reliance on drugs and the receding intensity in his speeches. After all, he kept saying that he didn’t have long to live.
I do not know much about his time in Nepal, or his time in places all over the world from Honolulu to Samui. He knew a lot about the world and he gave me advice that didn’t make sense to me. I knew he was a wise man, and sometimes was grumpy and hurtful with his sharp thoughtful words, but he was right about pretty much everything. He could see through the news and say that people were lying. I remember how he was saying the protests in Honk Kong were probably being funded by the CIA and all sorts of crazy shits. Then there were his talks on drugs and science fiction which didn’t make sense to me but when I am as old as he was when he talked about it, maybe that’s when I’ll get into it because being old can be boring and it feels like dying is easier than to survive.
How I wish I had more time to spend with him. I had the time for him, but he was just away. Maybe, just maybe, spending some time away from home and hanging around him would have made me a really wise person. His demise was the demise of a lot of knowledge about the world. He knew many deep secrets and his penetrative eyes saw things others wouldn’t. Now that he’s gone, I can only pray that I’ll be able to travel all around the world to gain all that wisdom and be half as wise when I’ll be 80.
I’ll miss you, Allen. I messaged you on WhatsApp today. You received the message but I know you won’t reply. It’s a strange feeling because you never ignored my messages and you always remembered me. I lost a friend I could rely on and I’m truly heartbroken. I hope the afterlife exists because someday, I’d really want to see you again.
P.S. I’ll be writing songs about you and tell you about the things going on in my life. I keep all your words in mind. Will message you when I get to Italy.
The nihilist 