Unaverred

Relationships are hard to maintain. It was much easier growing up when our families were close and all I had was one set of friends at school and a couple of my family friends I met every other Saturday. But growing up, I changed schools and losing the ones at school was evident, especially without a mobile phone or social media. Then I lost my family friends when dad didn’t hang out with these uncles anymore. But a I grew, I thought our family was tight but then I realized that we lose a grip on them, too. I don’t know how this happened, but it did. One by one when my brothers and sisters got married, I understood that our lives weren’t quite the same anymore. But in all this time, I saw my own friendship slip away. When I was so undecided on life, I never prioritized friends or family over what I wanted to do when I was still on a path of self-discovery. Now, all of a sudden, it all feels hollow. I thought that friends and families would stick for life. How wrong I was. Sometimes it feels like my therapist is the one one who talks to me and she doesn’t care much, to be honest. She’d doing he job as the clock ticks and goes on her own life without really doing anything real to fix what is broken. For some reason, the books stick with me. It feels like they’re the only honest people. The people in the books never change even though they might change as a person. There is opacity and singularity in that person and their ideology in that certain period. Unlike people, the books remain the same. It’s such a messy world. I talk to people all the time but I never really feel that comfort. It’s like every conversation goes right over my head. Nothing excites me anymore. I’ve become too rigid to even think of my own family. Forget the world, I’m silently disturbed. Even the art and music world has become too distant for me. I’m, getting too old for this shit. May the universe have some mercy on me.