Ludicrous

Where do we go from here is the question this soul asked over and over again. The mind in the company of itself has always been terrible at choosing the where. Some years ago, the soul wanted out and it persisted. The mind and its faulty logic, with the help of the one thing it admired at that time, persuaded the soul to stay and suffocate just a little longer. The subtle trickery worked and stopped me from spiraling down the inferno and here I am alive and breathing.

The self from ages past was entangled in its thoughts. He had half-baked dreams that without any driven ambitions and they were not even his. The poor souls never understood, never tried to understand or could even make any sense of the physical world. The invisible elements were all that mattered, it still does, but just wants more. But life has a funny way of embracing the invisible hand that it governs all and I had to bow down to it and live by its rules.

The many ongoing battles of life were between science and spirituality, education and thought control, capitalism and communism, left not right, dark not bright, silent or extra-loud but not in between. It was all about seeking conflict but on the other side there was peace waiting in collectivism and coexistence. For the longest time, I’ve been a hypocrite.

I cannot deny that pop philosophy did me bad. I might not have been worshiping religious idols (I did for some time) but I was acquiesced and immobilized by all I heard and saw on TV. I don’t think that the things I’ve read have done much harm and in the later years have exponentially done me more good, but seeing someone else in a tunnel has made me realize how I’ve positioned myself quite the same.

Ideas are subjective but my preconceived notions never let me perceive the other side of the story. If only I had a birds eye view of the many plausible angle, life could have taken such a different turn. There were only a handful of mentors that ever taught me the right thing to do and many failed me, not to mention the most important ones. The job of a mentor should never be to transform but there were weren’t many.

Then there are those who speak and those tell their stories. I know now whom I should follow. The rigidity that comes with time makes me trust only a handful, only my truest friends. I know that they truly comprehend and care, and their unwavering determination let me see a world through their own eyes. What I see is what they see but I know it’s reflections from an honest eyes. These have been more helpful to me that the talks of weary professionals and experts self-labeled positions.

In the due course of time, the idols that have help a firm grip on me have dissipated. The puppet had been freed and now I know what they mean without delving too deep and being completely bound to their philosophy. After all, I’ve understood how even the idols suffocate and never rid of the weakness of the world they talk about from David Foster Wallace being bound to infinite jest or John Lennon never getting rid of possessions. But their ideas are right and just as every bit as I am a hypocrite, they are, too, but I still admire them for speaking the truth and wanting a better environment for those who follow.

And among the many visions I have of today, one is of the great divide between the West and the East. It’s overtaking each other where one admires and wants to live the other life. Though I’ve delved more into the one I was born in, at least the region, I try to follow the middle path and I know that this isn’t either wrong or right. Oh how the right people and the right books can teach you hundreds of different ways to live.

I am not sad anymore, I’m just in the same situation and more content. Guess I’m growing up and embracing change. The past is what what I was and not wholly me. There’s much still rooted in me and these dead wigs still hang as they wither. There is much more to do in life. And now I have the right examples to understand that it’s still not too late.

From Cobain and Yorke to Marley and Gallagher, life has taken many unexpected turns. There’s been so much drama and I’ve understood how much I’ve not stood by my words. Family and friends are the most important things in life. How much I’ve admired these words and worked not so hard to keep them with me. Love is always fleeting and it needs reassurance again and again; they need showing everyday. For the next part of my life, how long or short it may be, that’s what I should be working on.

And I will keep going ahead with this journey of self-exploration but at the same time publish to keep hold of all the things I have in mind. My words might be and are intentionally made difficult to understand because I wrote for me and not to impress. The life has taught me hard lessons and I know that I need more relentless effort to fix myself in one direction this time around. This is where I intend to fixate myself.

Today I smile and look back and reflect on the mistakes of my past that have helped me grow. I need getting rid of the things that hold me back and there’s great need for me to proceed in a world where I don’t intend to complain to myself. I have had many sworn enemies and the worst among them had been myself. But now it’s changed.

Life needs to start everyday. If needs to start from self-care, something I’ve never done, and how do I suppose I can help someone else. Not it’s all about execution. I think I have all the knowledge to get started, and I know how to reinforce them. Get a grip on my mind is all I’ll say to me.

You are enough, you just need assurance I shall say. And now I embrace myself from the rocky life that’ll only get tough with independence but this the life I’m looking for, to create my own world.

Deep breaths taken.. that’s the only pause I need. Viva la vida. Dunno what that means but it sound just about right.