Incidents took place in the past. Some were more cutting edge than others. A few of them got me into a brief moment of grief and these were things that I played no part in. Angels who were there to bring me smiles fell, leaving us only old photographs to recall how lovely those days were. For a moment, I lost my mind. We try to relive the moments that were once with us. We become a dog, accustomed to the same old bunch of tricks. We meet new people and we think they could never replace the ones that stood. We tell them of the same old stories and we share a laugh or two. We think that we have finally reinstated the person. but we never do. Once you’ve met someone who understood you so well but leaves, we are always void of the same kind of understanding one could ever have.
It takes time to grow, but the end is always sudden. The course under which sudden catastrophes occur is never certain. Sometimes we know that it is the beginning of the end, yet we sit back to enjoy the drama. We know we shouldn’t fall in love with the wrong ones, but we do. We know we shouldn’t stay together with the ones who will not let you up, but we do because we are so frightened of change. We try so hard to fix things beyond repair. We get glimmers of hope, but we know that things couldn’t get better, but we try so that we can say that we did try to make bends. When hearts break, there’s nothing that can fix it. Aching of the heart often leads to madness. In my case, it was a little different. I get flashes of a movie I once saw, where a lonely kid had a notebook in which he made his own imaginary world. I was that guy. I had imaginary friends, and I had a bright notebook with a green cover and inside were stories, poems, abstract drawings and sketches of castles in the air, forests, rivers, windmills and a different from reality countryside. Some people told me that I was too old to carry color pencils. It made me uncomfortable to carry them with me, but I knew that there was nothing wrong to see an abstract world in color.
Tragedy followed and my world turned upside down. Gone were the days when I’d be jolly and sing along Ringo Starr to the beats of ‘Yellow Submarine’. There came an urge of putting myself down in isolation. In kicked in the dark arts. I wrote sentences I couldn’t make sense of. I lacked the maturity. There came many times when I got the opportunity to restart everything. New friends, new number, new school, but my mind always stayed in the same place. It was tough being sad for apparently no reason. Today I might discover something extraordinary and feel good about it. Tomorrow, it is nothing but a thin recap of what it was yesterday. The formulae to happiness was never to emulate the things of the days past. Today I might be happy to be with someone, but with time the people change. Even us, we never know the turns we make and the things we amend on ourselves to make us better, worse or less familiar than who we used to be. Darkness creeps in when we cannot satisfy ourselves. Many times it’s not a boring job, but the never changing scenario. We lose the motivation to live. We expect people to make us feel important and special, but we are never content with what we have. On most days, I couldn’t sleep.
In the most recent of scenarios, I’ve met someone who became so dear to me. We listen to each other and smile at the little things. Even after knowing so much, we still know nothing at all. We were once close with someone and we never expect others to replace the ones who left. Our heart will never let us replace the person. It is hard to let go. We then create a fuss that should have never existed. When two people are together trying to fix things and one refuses to budge on the way things are being carried out, the outcome is improper because one of them is not ready to accept the fact that there is greater good in finding other fishes in the sea. Things like trust, belief, and bad memories come in place. We accept change in a long run; almost never in a sprint. We hold on to negative thoughts and speak evil. We are agitated by people who try to help and those who were there for our assistance earlier are left frustrated.
At some point in my life, I thought that the old men were always right. I always thought of people smoking tobacco in a pipe were wise men. The advice they give is only of their experiences that could easily differ from our reality. We want to give advice to people when we have been in somehow a similar situation. We think we are wise cause we were once young and stupid to get through a self-made disaster. Lessons are never learned by books but my learning from blunders we make when we badly wanted to make things work with sheer determination. Many times I gave up. I was letting myself down. I was basing my previous encounters on calculating the possibility of ending this fascinating journey called life. My influences were probably not so good a personality to follow.
Often on benches and notebooks, I would carve the sentence ‘I Hate Myself And Want To Die’. This was for no apparent reason. It was the slow pace of life with no adrenaline that made me feel worthless. It stuck with me for a long time. This crept in the urge to find comfort in a sad song, a sad story and the feeling of not belonging on earth. I felt that no one could understand me. I shoved those who came to help. I told them they were only wasting their time, and they were. Let me tell you the story of a happy town where all the people drank from a pool. One day an evil witch poisoned it with a portion of madness. Everyone but the royals drank from it and all the common people lost their sanity. The king could not understand the public, not could he control them. Then one day he drank from the pool himself, to give himself up to monstrosity. He lost sanity but led a crazy country thereafter. When everyone is out of their mind, it is easier to lose yourself to it if you want to fit in. Those depressed feel that there is no way out. We do not think there exists a chance that people will accept us for who we are. We fear that no one will ever comprehend.
Stranding ourselves to create our own solitary world is never a solution. I found comfort in it, but the company of sadness is not the kind of support you need to live nother day. Like shadows, the forlornness only grows. We become distant from reality. We repel love. Love and hatred are things that spread like fire and the longer we lock ourselves and throw way the key, we are more unlikely to accept reality. We all feel like we’re chained and confined by the law, taxes and principles we are forced to follow. To find peace, we need to understand life. When we observe and know that we can make a difference, we can still learn to relive. The thought of killing oneself doesn’t come instantly. It is not one of those sudden deaths. We think about it over and over again. We multiply the consequences of the damage we have done. We create problems that never existed. But trust me, we are not alone. We are only insane cause people do not understand.
Beauty comes from within. Following the heart is the most important thing. We lose out faith in our friends, family and humanity all together but we know that we overthink cause we are intelectuals who think too much and live in the possibilities of our future. I was alone but you don not eed to be. There is always a way out. You can pull out of it even when you’re free falling on a neverending abyss. The end is not near. There is so much to live for. People come in chapter and we decide to make it a worthy or worthless. Every second we waste thinking we cannot turn ourself around, we are losing time to turn the tides. I did it. I battled out, with a little help from my friends but mostly by myself. Self belief is the most important thing when you are battling against your own low self-confidence. I wet through catastrophe but it brought back my sense.I became logical. I began to understand people and life. We can always rebel but we need to understand why. Going back to our days of being confined behind wlls is not a sight anyone of us would want. We are free birds, everyone of us. Those able benifit from us not trying to get out of our own trap. We can always fight for what is righfully our. Our thoughts, our joy, the free space and air; there is so much to live for. We can always make a tomorrow better than out yesterdays and yesteryears. Sometimes we can mend the past and sometimes it’s best to leave the broken things as they wore. It only matters that we are happy if we cannot create somone elses happiness. It is up to us to create a new home tomorrow or burn our fate in the sand.
The nihilist 